I love/hate Costco for several reasons. First, I hate grocery shopping. I know this is a problem of privilege. Poor me, I’m lucky enough to have the chore of filling my refrigerator and cabinets with food.
Eileen Kelly
The fact that I’ve got it a lot better than most of the world is not lost on me, but I still loathe the task. It’s because of this guilt at my circumstance that I force myself to eat leftovers in the fridge rather than waste them. No, I don’t eat moldy cheese or spoiled milk but my lunch today was a quarter of a glass of strawberry smoothie, two steamed vegetable dumplings, black bean salsa on Ritz crackers because I don’t have tortilla chips, some wrinkly grapes, a half a cup of yogurt and three pickles. Ew.
In an effort to cut down on my trips to the grocery store, twice a month I go to Costco.
It’s physically hard to shop at Costco. Most of my purchases are heavy and unwieldy and won’t fit into any type of bag. I know the whole point is buy in bulk to save money, but I bought a vat of liquid hand soap so gigantic I’m going to have to provide for it in my will. My grandchildren will use this hand soap. The only family that could possibly use this much antibacterial hand soap in their lifetime would be a family of surgeons who work out of their home.
If James Bond shows up at my door, he’s out of luck, as is anyone that bumps their head in my house this week because I had to take the vodka and ice packs out of the freezer to make way for three half gallons of ice cream and a bag of frozen broccoli the size of a large bed pillow.
My fridge has four half gallons orange juice, three half gallons of whole organic milk, twelve cups of yogurt and blocks of cheese large enough to sit on.
I bought a pallet of Bounty paper towels. When I got home I realized they’ve got Precious Moments characters printed on them with sayings like “God is love” and “Jesus loves you.” They can’t just sneak Jesus into seemingly secular household items. Then my dog peed on the kitchen floor. Now I’ve got to wipe up urine with God. I’ve got enough Catholic guilt without having to feel sacrilegious every time I clean up. Now every time my dog’s incontinent I have to ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”
On the flipside, I love the samples. Before my smoothie/pickle/dumpling/black bean lunch I had spanikopita and these killer dark chocolate pomegranate thingies that I bought a gigantic (surprise!) bag of.
These are the reasons I love/hate Costco. Tell me what you love/hate. It’s OK. This is a safe space.
Eileen Kelly was a semi-finalist in Nick at Nite’s “Search for the Funniest Mom in America,” and made a name for herself with " My Pony's in the Garage," which premiered at the NY Fringe Festival. She is currently writing a memoir based on her solo show and has written several treatments and spec scripts for television. She likes Springsteen, cheap beer and good Italian bread. Did we mention she’s from Jersey?
